Sue, a client of mine who struggles with self-worth, recently wondered if it would make any difference to anyone if she were no longer here. Not that she was suicidal, but she just was not feeling very good about herself.
I worked with her to help her see her value, and our discussion led to some important questions. Does your self-worth come from what you have done in the world or what others think of you? Or is there something inherently valuable about you, just because you are?
I believe both are true. What others think of us is important in how we come to think of ourselves. Yet what we think of ourselves ultimately should have nothing to do with others’ opinions about us. How can both of these things be so?
Let’s start with the first idea. Although we are individuals, from birth we are in virtually constant relationship with others. Psychology posits that we develop our sense of self in relation to other people.
Coming to know ourselves starts in infancy, when we come into this world without any reference for our experiences. We have no way to know what is in the environment or that we are separate from it. As our caretakers sometimes mirror and sometimes ignore our oo’s and ah’s, our grunts and sighs, and our smiles and cries, our little brains gradually put together that we are separate from what is outside us–others and the environment. We also gradually begin to draw conclusions about ourselves.
This process has a parallel in our adult lives, as others mirror to us who we are in different ways. They tell us explicitly things that we otherwise would never have known about ourselves, and they respond to us in ways that make us draw conclusions about ourselves. Of course, sorting out what is accurate and what is misperception by either ourselves or others is a major task. But the fact remains that others mirror us. Without them, we could not know who we are.
For example, I have learned from others that I often come across as kind or grounded. I did not know these things about myself before I was told. Yet others have reflected these qualities enough times to me that I believe they are part of me. Think about your significant other or about friends. Have they not told you things about yourself that you did not know before?
Thus, the relationships we have with others are important in how we define ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, and the value we grant ourselves.
But let us look at the other side of the coin, and do so by once again going back to infancy. Even as the relationship with the caretaker mirrors to us our separate existence, it imparts to us impressions of what kind of person we are. We start to form a sense of self. This process continues throughout childhood and into adulthood. With time, a part of us becomes independent of others and what they think. We form our own character, which to one degree or another is independent of what person we may be relating to.
Depending on the quality of our experiences, we also develop a certain level of self-esteem. My preferred definition of self-esteem is that it is the worthiness that we grant ourselves, no matter who we are, what we do, or what others think. The term itself, I think, says this: Self-esteem—esteeming oneself, without qualification or reason.
So it is that who we are and our sense of value originates in our relationships with others. At the same time, with the right kind of experiences—or work to make up for poor experiences—how one values oneself can eventually have little to do with what others say or think.
Getting back to Sue (a pseudonym, not her real name), how can she answer the question about whether it matters to anyone that she is here? Of course it matters, for she has relationships with others in which she is mirroring them and they are mirroring her. But the underlying question she may be posing is, “Do I have any value at all?” The answer to this question is also yes, because she has her own unique character and occupies her own place in the world. She is valuable in her own right, and it is important for her to remember that.
This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month wishing you self-worth in your relationships with others and in how you view yourself just as you are.
