Is It a “Stretch” or Is It Losing Yourself?

July 30th, 2011

Relationships take work, and any relationship will involve each partner adjusting in ways that he or she did not anticipate when he or she started out.  As time goes on, thorny issues arise that call on us to think or act differently to get along with our partners.  But when is acting differently a “stretch” and when is it asking too much?

On the one hand, changing to meet one’s partner’s wants and needs can represent growth.  In fact, being in a relationship offers a unique opportunity to learn where one needs to change.  This involves “stretching” beyond one’s comfort zone and facilitates growth.

On the other hand, some people find themselves in relationships in which they are constantly trying to please their partners.  They try this way and that to accommodate the other person.  Changing oneself in this fashion may not represent growth but rather losing oneself in the relationship.

So in any given instance when we change ourselves to accommodate our partners, which is it?  Is it a “stretch” or is it losing ourselves in the interest of the other?

There is no silver bullet to tell the difference between the two types of change.  It can take reflection on oneself, experience over time, and possibly even talking to a counselor to figure out what one is doing.  Still, I can give you some guidelines to help.

First, we can tell the difference between a “stretch” and losing ourselves to the other by how we feel after we have done an action that does not come easily in order to support our partners:

  • Do you feel accomplished, proud, calm, and/or happy, even if it took some effort, for having tried the new behavior that supports your partner, or
  • Do you feel stressed, fearful, exhausted, depressed, angry, and/or resentful that you once again let the other person’s wants or needs supercede your own?

If one has the first set of feelings, the stretch, even if difficult, probably was in the interest of your growth and facilitates the relationship.  If one has some of the second type of feelings, one probably has failed to set proper limits and denied oneself yet again in an attempt to please the other or make the relationship work.

A second guideline for whether the change is a “stretch” or is about losing ourselves to the other involves the other person’s response.

  • Does the other person respond with less reactivity, possibly appreciation, or even engage in new behavior him- or herself, or
  • Does the other person continue in their old behaviors, whether they are demanding, withdrawing, erratic, or addictive?

If the other’s response involves the first set of actions, then your “stretch” has increased the other’s willingness to be vulnerable as well.  If the other person continues in old behaviors even after you have changed yours, especially if you have done so repeatedly, then you may be feeding into their behaviors and giving up yourself as well.

So, for example, Janice found herself in her first marriage trying to change how she communicated with her husband to get some emotional response from him.  He tended to be “even-keel” all the time.  She also tried to please him, because he tended to be controlling, especially with money.  After years of trying, she realized she was giving herself up too much and exited the marriage.  In a new relationship several years later, she found it difficult to set limits with her boyfriend.  However, when she made the stretch to do so and told him he could only come over a couple of times during the week because she got tired after working all day, he understood and respected her boundary.  He appreciated the opportunity to support Janice and checked with her more carefully about when it was okay to come over.

So which is it for you in your relationship, whether past or present?  When you look at changing yourself, is it a “stretch” or is it giving yourself away?  It can be difficult to discern between the two, because we only look at the situation with our own eyes.  Still, it is worth the look.

This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month wishing you the ability to “stretch” in your relationships without giving yourself away.

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Why Do We Fall Out of Love?

June 20th, 2011

When Danielle met Mark, she found him interesting and handsome.  He was of course immediately attracted to her beauty and liked her outgoing personality and wit.  He asked her out and wined and dined her.  Soon they were seeing each other two or three times a week, and they called each other in between.  Mark would go to great lengths to do things for Danielle, writing little notes that she would find in unexpected places, leaving work early to get her a present, and even writing a poem or two, though he was hardly a poet.  Danielle loved the poems anyway.

They married a year and a half later.  Several years after that, Danielle was wondering why Mark did not communicate with her.  It had been a while since he had even told her he loved her.  Mark was tired of her talking “all the time,” and he often thought she was silly in how she looked at things.  They got in arguments over how the house was kept.  Mark liked things neat, but Danielle complained that she didn’t have time to keep things to Mark’s “immaculate” standards.

What happens between the initial infatuation we have and the rejection of our partner down the road?  Danielle and Mark’s story is all too common.  It may be more or less extreme than what you have experienced, but it represents the process of our chosen mate going from the “perfect” lover to the person who would be better if they were just different in this or that way.

There are two stages in a relationship that are important to recognize if we are to be happy with our partners in the long run.  In fact, it may be important to recognize them if in some cases the relationship is to survive at all.

We all recognize the first stage of a relationship, romantic love.  In this stage, the other person can almost do no wrong.  We think of him or her as perfect.  Often in this stage, we also notice all the similarities we have with the other, whether it is taste in activities, behaviors, politics, experiences, sense of humor, music, or whatever.  In fact, these two traits characterize this first stage—perfection and sameness.

It is almost as if two personalities could merge and be happy in doing so.  For this reason, this stage is called symbiosis.  There is even research showing that the brain chemistry of this stage supports attraction to the other person in obsessive ways.

With time, however, we notice things we do not like in the other—imperfections or incompatibilities that are significant.  We find out that the other person is different than we are in ways that bother us.  We may have known about some of these differences before but overlooked them through romantic eyes.  Or we may discover differences that we didn’t know about before.  Either way, the differences matter.

This stage is called differentiation, because if we can allow the other person to be different, the relationship can survive and be harmonious.  The problem arises if we do not allow differentiation.  If we try to remain symbiotic by expecting our partner to be what we want them to be and the same as we are, trouble arises.

An important lesson when the romance has faded and conflict arises is to understand that your partner is different than you.  Many times people will say, “Well, I would do it this way.  Why doesn’t he?” or “I think of it this way.  Why doesn’t she?”  The simple answer is, the other person is different.  Allowing the other person to be different can be a huge step to resolving conflict.

Research also shows that if we allow differentiation to occur, certain brain processes support long-term attachment.  Feelings of calm, security, social ease, and emotional bonding are possible in “companionate love.”  A key here is to accept the differences in the other while being able to assert one’s own essential character.

This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, inviting you to accept your partner as different than you and not fall out of love.

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Feeling Good about Yourself in Difficult Times

May 23rd, 2011

Last month, I talked about being grateful for the way life is, which includes being grateful for what we do not have as well as for what we have.  I said that there are gifts in being grateful for what we do not have, including opportunities to grow.  There is yet one more hidden treasure in what we do not have, if we have the eyes to see it—self-esteem in difficult times.

What we do not have often makes us believe things about ourselves that really make us feel bad.  For example, not having a job can make us question our value or whether we are good enough.  Having troubles in our relationship or losing someone we love can make us believe we are unlovable or all alone.  Not being able to lose weight, have the appearance we want, or maintain good health can make us feel ugly or rejected by others.  Having a small business struggle or getting rejections from schools, publishers, or prospective clients can make us believe we are failures.  We ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

Whether the negative belief is “not good enough,” “unlovable,” “failure,” or any of the rest of them, we have the proof right in front of us:  no job, no relationship, or no healthy, trim body; not much money coming in, no clients in sufficient number, or no acceptances of our submissions.  It is all pretty apparent—that if we were good enough, lovable, or sufficient that things would be better.

Fortunately, there is a way out of this negativity about ourselves over things that we do not have.  The first step is to realize that we are attributing who we are to outward circumstances.  This is false attribution.  Who we fundamentally are has nothing to do with our outward circumstances.  Whether we have money, own a shiny car, are in a relationship, are selling our product hand over fist, or have a model’s or athlete’s body has nothing to do with our intrinsic worth as a human being.

We are valuable just in who we are and the qualities that we do possess.

In fact, our outward circumstances may be a wake up call for us to realize who we really are.  Difficult external circumstances will scream at us at times just so we can decide whether they dictate who we are or whether we are really more than the circumstances.

Therein lies the reason to be grateful for what’s “missing” in our lives.  It gives us the chance to say no to negative ideas about ourselves and realize we are good enough just as we are—born that way and ever to be so—no matter what comes or does not come to us in life.

This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching.  Until next month, I wish you esteem for yourself, no matter what difficulties you are encountering in your life.

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How to Double Your Gratitude

April 1st, 2011

I recently had an “Aha moment” about gratitude.  I have long thought of gratitude as being thankful for what I have.  But then I heard that gratitude is being thankful for the way life is, the way reality has showed up.

I realized that there is great power in thinking of gratitude in this way.  The way life is includes not only the things I have but also the things I do not have.  If I can at least accept, or even be grateful for, what I do not have, I increase my contentment and step powerfully toward being able to make things better.

We hear time and again that it is important to be grateful for what we have.  Don’t get me wrong.  This is a great place to start.  When we feel down, it can give us a lift to think of things we have to be thankful for.  The home we have to live in, the food we have to eat, the relationships we have with people close to us, the chances we have to laugh, the ways we appreciate nature.

And each of us has special moments to which we can turn our thoughts that bring great joy—the birth of a child, a special time with our significant other, experiences with a special pet, a time overlooking a forest or the ocean, and so on.

However, the contrast to what I have is what I do not have.  The moment I stop being grateful for what I have and turn my thoughts to l what I do not have, I can rob myself of thankfulness.  I may stew over not having enough money, not having the car I want, not having the relationship I want, the troubles the world is in, how my child is misbehaving, or in general “how things should be but are not.”  This leads me to ill temper, sadness, and even depression.

Of course, I could just turn my thoughts back to what I have.  That can help.  But what about keeping my thoughts on what I do not have and accepting how things are for the moment?  This can have the remarkable result of easing the sense of lack.  And even more powerful is not merely accepting what I do not have but being grateful for it.  That totally wipes out a sense of lack.

How do we be thankful for what we do not have?  It takes a shift of mindset to believing that what we do not have is beneficial to us.  This may be a stretch, but it is not all that far-fetched.  What good might there be in the difficult circumstance?  For instance, not having the money we want can spur us to creativity and productivity, can turn us to look for help or partnership with others, or may bring us to decide to go back to school or get more training to increase our skills.

When we do not have what we want, there is the possibility for growth.  Just look at how often we look back on difficult circumstances with gratitude for what they brought us.  The trick is to look with gratitude on not having what we want when we are in the middle of difficulties.

This brings me back to my original premise.  Gratitude is truly about being thankful for what is, not just for what we have.  It includes being grateful for what we have and for what we do not have.

So where do you often find yourself dissatisfied, discouraged, or ill tempered about something in your life?  Can you think of the situation in a way to be grateful even for it?

This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching.  Until next month, I wish you gratitude for all that is.

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February 3rd, 2011

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