I worked with her to help her see her value, and our discussion led to some important questions.  Does your self-worth come from what you have done in the world or what others think of you?  Or is there something inherently valuable about you, just because you are?

I believe both are true.  What others think of us is important in how we come to think of ourselves.  Yet what we think of ourselves ultimately should have nothing to do with others’ opinions about us.  How can both of these things be so?

Let’s start with the first idea.  Although we are individuals, from birth we are in virtually constant relationship with others.  Psychology posits that we develop our sense of self in relation to other people.

Coming to know ourselves starts in infancy, when we come into this world without any reference for our experiences.  We have no way to know what is in the environment or that we are separate from it.  As our caretakers sometimes mirror and sometimes ignore our oo’s and ah’s, our grunts and sighs, and our smiles and cries, our little brains gradually put together that we are separate from what is outside us–others and the environment.  We also gradually begin to draw conclusions about ourselves.

This process has a parallel in our adult lives, as others mirror to us who we are in different ways.  They tell us explicitly things that we otherwise would never have known about ourselves, and they respond to us in ways that make us draw conclusions about ourselves.  Of course, sorting out what is accurate and what is misperception by either ourselves or others is a major task.  But the fact remains that others mirror us.  Without them, we could not know who we are.

For example, I have learned from others that I often come across as kind or grounded.  I did not know these things about myself before I was told.  Yet others have reflected these qualities enough times to me that I believe they are part of me.  Think about your significant other or about friends.  Have they not told you things about yourself that you did not know before?

Thus, the relationships we have with others are important in how we define ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, and the value we grant ourselves.

But let us look at the other side of the coin, and do so by once again going back to infancy.  Even as the relationship with the caretaker mirrors to us our separate existence, it imparts to us impressions of what kind of person we are.  We start to form a sense of self.  This process continues throughout childhood and into adulthood.  With time, a part of us becomes independent of others and what they think.  We form our own character, which to one degree or another is independent of what person we may be relating to.

Depending on the quality of our experiences, we also develop a certain level of self-esteem.  My preferred definition of self-esteem is that it is the worthiness that we grant ourselves, no matter who we are, what we do, or what others think.  The term itself, I think, says this:  Self-esteem—esteeming oneself, without qualification or reason.

So it is that who we are and our sense of value originates in our relationships with others.  At the same time, with the right kind of experiences—or work to make up for poor experiences—how one values oneself can eventually have little to do with what others say or think.

Getting back to Sue (a pseudonym, not her real name), how can she answer the question about whether it matters to anyone that she is here?  Of course it matters, for she has relationships with others in which she is mirroring them and they are mirroring her.  But the underlying question she may be posing is,  “Do I have any value at all?”  The answer to this question is also yes, because she has her own unique character and occupies her own place in the world.  She is valuable in her own right, and it is important for her to remember that.

This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month wishing you self-worth in your relationships with others and in how you view yourself just as you are.

There is also something about the New Year that speaks to us about making new efforts.

Renewal seems to be a part of our human nature.  In traditional and some Eastern cultures, the time of renewal comes in the spring.  Our calendar places the New Year in the middle of winter, but it does not alter the human urge toward renewal.

So with the coming of the New Year, if that urge for getting something in your life that you do not have has struck, I urge you to go for it!

Take a moment to think of something significant that you want in your life that you do not have.  What does one do to make it happen?  First you ask, what options are there to create this thing?  What are the possible actions?

Once you have brainstormed possible ways to get what you want, there are two main approaches:  Create a plan and go step by step to make it happen.  Or start experimenting with different possibilities to see what works.

Both of these paths, however, require the decision to go for it.  “Go for it” creates the momentum to overcome the inertia of “do nothing.”  There is something seductive about living the way things are now.  It is easiest.

But do you want to stay here?  In the old rut?  Or do you have the bravery to go for it?  It does after all take guts and determination to go for it.

“Go for it” also overcomes the despair of “It hasn’t worked out before.”  If it hasn’t worked out before, so what?  Go for it again, and see what happens.

“Go for it” also embodies the release of “What might have been…”  If you have suffered losses and needed a time to grieve or heal, this is well and good.  But there is a time to release what was and go for it again.  “Go for it” helps overcome the loss.  By going for it, you can see what new horizons life holds.

This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, asking you what you want in your life and encouraging you to go for it.  And if you want some help, let me know.

To start, let’s look more at the reasons we have difficulty asking for help.  The first reason is who we fear being if we were to ask for help.  I mean, if asking for help implies that we are weak, that we are incompetent, or that we are a loser, we are going to avoid asking like the plague.  Or, if asking for help means that we are dependent, needy, or making ourselves obligated to another, then we will steer clear of asking as well.

Another reason we do not ask for help is we believe that others will feel imposed upon.  We believe it is better not to put another out, irritate them, or possibly make them feel obligated, so we don’t ask.

We also do not ask for help because we believe that we can do things better ourselves.  The old adage admonishes:  “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”  Essentially, we do not trust others to be competent.  If we ask them to do something, we believe they surely will screw it up.  So we carry around the burdens of the world, thinking only we can carry them and make them right.

So where do these attitudes get us?  They get us to hide unconscious fears about ourselves, mistrust others, and overburdened ourselves with things to do!

For heavens sake, is that how we want to live?  I say no.  We are social beings, meant to help each other at times.  So let’s not think we have to do everything ourselves.

But I get ahead of myself.  Let us look at each of the reasons that we do not ask for help and see if they hold water.

First, let us look at the accusations against ourselves if we were to ask for help.  To make it simple, I list the half dozen statements about ourselves that I mentioned above.  (These are only examples, and you may have your own accusation that you can add to the list):

My favorite way of examining beliefs like these is to put them to the test of verification.  I ask, is the statement true, false, or a “don’t know?”  As you read down the list, most of you probably will see that each is patently false.  Asking for help does not mean we are inherently weak, incompetent, a loser, or whatever.

In fact, you may be able to say false easily to all but one or two of these statements.  If you do get stuck on one of them, this accusation is the one that you are personally sensitive to!  Working through and getting the falseness of that particular statement is important, because it is one of your core false beliefs!  If the others are false, is it not probable that the one you get stuck on is false also?

The second reason we do not ask for help is to avoid imposing on others.  This reason is also not valid, because going into a situation objectively, we do not know whether another person would like to help or not.  The other person may actually enjoy helping, or at least be willing to do so.  This lends a completely different perspective than assuming that the other person will feel imposed upon.  We may be taking care of others too much by not asking.  In “clean,” differentiated, respectful relationships, a person can ask for help, the other person can say yes or no, and the person asking can be okay with either answer.

Finally, we do not ask for help because we believe we can do it better ourselves.  If asking for help would significantly reduce our burden and the reason we do not ask is that we do not trust the other to do it well, we need to ask a couple of questions.  How important is it that the task be done perfectly?  And are we realistically assessing the other person’s abilities?  Perhaps they are fully capable of doing the task, and it is our mistrust that gets in the way.

And when you ask for help, other wonderful things happen on a wholly different level besides you getting the help you need.  You help yourself by stretching into new behavior—by not buying into negative beliefs about yourself and by trusting another.  You may help the other, who now has the opportunity to give to another human being.  And you may benefit the third entity between you and the other person, the relationship.  An opportunity for connection is created that would be totally lost if you kept things to yourself and did not ask.

This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month wishing you greater courage in asking for help.

What I have to say today applies not only to relationships.  In other areas of our lives many times things don’t work out.  And what do we do with that?

We have all kinds of feelings when a relationship fails.  Great sadness.  Feelings that we are inadequate because we could not make it work.  Anger at the other person or the world for not providing what we want.  Fears that we will never find another person like the one we were with.  Remorse about the ways we contributed to the problems.  Longing for the return of the person or the things we had when we were with them.  Relief that it is finally over.

All of this is quite natural, for we have lost an important attachment.  We have also lost the dream of what we thought it would be like to be with them.  Loss is not easy.  It engenders all of these feelings.

So how do we deal with loss and recover some stability?  The first thing to do is to let ourselves feel all the feelings.  Give yourself the room and permission to feel.  The second thing is to ventilate.  Write about all your thoughts and feelings about the person and about what you hoped would be.  Talk to a friend who will listen and who will not downplay the importance of what you are going through.  Talk to a counselor, if necessary.

Coming out the other end also means framing what you have been through in a new way.  If all the feelings become so difficult that you wish that you had never been in the relationship, there is one additional piece that I want you to consider.

Going into a relationship involves risk.  It is risky to give our affection to another, to open up to another, to decide to love another.  We give our affection and trust to another and implicitly ask them to handle us with care.

Now risk is a funny thing.  When we risk being vulnerable to another, we think it ought to work out.  Intellectually, we know there is the potential for it to go badly, but we don’t expect that to happen.  However, risk means there is a potential downside.  It is like when we invest in the stock market and expect it to go up.  Well, risk means that it may go down.  When things don’t work out in a relationship, the risk was taken and the downside occurred.

So when things don’t work out, don’t forget that you risked.  Risking is a valuable thing.  It may not seem to be in the middle of the feelings of a break-up, but it is good that you risked.  We never get anywhere in life without risking.

Through risking, you had a chance to love and to grow.  It is to be lauded that you took the risk.  There is hope and potential for those willing to try—to take the risk—rather than to sit in safety and security without trying.

So “failed” relationships are not so bad.  You took the risk and hopefully learned from the experience.  And this goes in all areas of life—the risks you take in ongoing relationships and the risks you take in other areas of your life.  They are risks you take to see if things will work out.

This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month encouraging you to congratulate yourself on the risks you take in relationships and in all areas of your life.

Well, not exactly.  Sometimes they bring into their relationship the Problem of the In-Laws!

What is the Problem of the In-Laws?  Actually a variety of surface issues occur involving in-laws, but one basic, underlying issue lies at the center of many of them—lack of differentiation from the family of origin.

On the surface, in-laws may have expectations of how their adult child participates in their family functions and holiday events. They may have expectations about how the spouse treats their son or daughter.  They may have expectations about how their adult child or spouse should parent.  They may expect various kinds of help or contact from their adult child and/or spouse.

The adult child can behave in ways that add to these problems.  They may believe they have to please their parents.  They may go regularly over to Mom’s and Dad’s to help with projects, eat meals, or whatever, to the extent their new partner or family feels the time lost.  An adult child may go to a parent regularly for support in times of conflict with his or her spouse.  Other times, even if they have developed more loyalty to their spouse and own family, an adult child may placate their parents “just to keep the peace.”

In various ways, these ways of doing things can represent a lack of differentiation from the family of origin.  What is differentiation?  Therapists think of differentiation as the capacity to be close to someone yet be different from them.  So, for example, is it possible to be close to your parents yet disagree with them?  Is it possible to be close to your parents and yet say no to them?  Is it possible to be close to your parents and yet have a different way of doing things?

This can actually be a huge problem.  What if the parent is not ready to differentiate from you?  Do you just cut them off?  Well, no.  Cutoff is an extreme strategy that does not represent differentiation either (except when a parent is excessively emotionally abusive and not associating with them is the only way to stop the emotional abuse).  Realize also that if you are a spouse who decides to cut off your in-laws, you put your partner in a difficult balancing act between your needs and the expectations of his or her family of origin.  Usually, true differentiation lies somewhere between cutoff and continued placation of the parents’ way of doing things.  Differentiation involves standing up for oneself without rancor.

These days, cultural differences can complicate good relationships with in-laws.  More and more frequently, couples in the U.S. come from different cultural backgrounds.  This compounds the normal differences that two people inherit from their families of origin even if they come from the same culture.  For instance, what if the culture expects an adult son to be loyal and supportive to his parents, and this runs into his ability to be present with his wife from a different culture?

All of the issues lead back to one answer.  A balance must be struck between being one’s own person and being sensitive to the thoughts and desires of parents who, for better or worse, have their own values and traditions.  By being one’s own person and being big enough to allow your parents or in-laws to be different, you take a huge step toward differentiation, even if they have not.  Therein lies a secret to avoiding the Problem of the In-Laws!

This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month wishing you the ability to stand up for yourself without rancor with your parents and in-laws.

As a therapist and life coach, one thing I do is help people with the detrimental side of emotions.  Guilt is no exception.  Let’s look at what guilt is, where it comes from, its useful and deleterious sides, and how to release it once it has served its usefulness.

What is guilt?  The Random House Dictionary defines it as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some real or imagined offense, crime, etc.”

So guilt comes from believing that one has a responsibility or obligation to be or act a certain way and one does not.  The offense can be against someone else, God, an inanimate object (such as the environment), or even oneself.

Regardless of who or what we offend, guilt comes from us believing that we have violated a standard or moral value.  Where do standards and moral values come from?  Initially, they come from others.  We learn them from others, especially in our childhoods.  However, as we grow, we get to choose what standards and moral values we want to make our own, if we are reflective and do not simply continue to live by what others have told us.

So here is a crucial distinction.  If we feel guilty, are we doing so because of someone else’s standards and morals, or because of our own?  Those with an extra dose of guilt in childhood may well feel guilty because they have not separated themselves from someone else’s values.  Take a close look.  Is this what happens to you?

Once you know your own standards and values, however, you may still feel guilty at times.  If this guilt arises because you are not living by your own values, it may be useful.  In this case, it is serving as a signal that you are out of alignment with your own values.[i]

For example, if you have a value of treating others with respect but you get angry and lash out at a friend or spouse after a hard day’s work, you may feel guilty.  It is not your intention to treat others this way.  You apologize and resolve to hold your tongue the next time you get angry when tired.

So guilt can serve a purpose.  At the same time, guilt is not something that we want to hold onto.  The reason is that underneath guilt is almost invariably a “should” statement:

• I should control my emotions better
• I should work harder
• I should spend more time with my spouse and kids
• I should exercise more
• I should eat better
• I should volunteer more time
• etc.

As many of you know, running our lives by “shoulds” is not a good idea.  “Shoulds” keep us in obligation and drive our behaviors in automatic, unthinking ways.  Rather than living by “shoulds,” it is better to drop obligation and make clear choices about what we want to do.

So how do we retain the useful part of guilt, the part that signals us when we are out of alignment with our standards or values?  The key is to notice it, decide how we are out of alignment, and then drop the guilt.  Then choose what we want to do to come back into alignment with our standards and values.  There is no need to continue to feel guilty.  It is just a signal.  Notice it, choose how we want to correct our course, and move on.  Release the “should” and choose what we want to do or how we want to be.

This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month, wishing you less guilt and more choice in alignment with your standards and values.

• Do – Have – Be
• Have – Do – Be
• Be – Do – Have

The first ordering I call “the Puritan Ethic.”  The second is “the Madison Avenue Approach.”  And the third represents “the Spiritual Path.”  Let’s look at each ordering to see what I mean.

Do – Have – Be represents the mindset that one has to do something (work) to have something (material things, character, position, power, etc.) so one can be happy.  This mindset is a major impetus in American life.  We are brought up with the idea that work is important.  Why is it so important?  In the Puritan Ethic, the first reason is that work “builds character.”  The second reason is that work is necessary for survival.  So we do work to have character and to survive, and then we can be happy.

Similar arguments apply if the doing is not to attain character and to survive but to gain power, influence, or fame.  We do to have to be.

Have – Do – Be is a somewhat different mindset, also prevalent in America.  Although it is compatible with the Puritan Ethic, it emphasizes having over doing.  This Madison Avenue Approach emphasizes having (cars, big homes, appliances, TVs with hundreds of channels, and so on) so that you can do what you want (play, relax, have personal freedom, engage in exciting activities) so that you can be happy.  Somewhere in Have – Do – Be lies the “American Dream.”  Have a bigger house so you can spread out in spacious surroundings and you will be happy.  Have a sleek, new car to do fast driving around country roads so you can be happy.

Then there is the radically different approach of Be – Do- Have.  I call it “the Spiritual Path” because this way of living underlies many spiritual traditions.  These traditions do not care what you do or what you have.  Rather they emphasize what one is being.

Be – Do – Have says cultivate how you are being first.  In the “right” or desired state of being—whether it is calmness, centeredness, acceptance, joy, or love—decide what to do.  And what you do in this centered state will create things worth having—material things of beauty and precision, harmonious relationships, works of art, or greater knowledge about our world.

There are other good reasons to live by Be – Do – Have as well.  First, one creates at the beginning of the process what the Puritan Ethic and the Madison Avenue Approach seek at the end of their processes—happiness.  If one cultivates acceptance, calmness, centeredness, joy, or love, one is happy before any doing or having.  Happiness is not the end but the beginning of the process.

The second reason is that beginning with doing or having only creates happiness temporarily.  One has to keeping doing or having again and again to produce the sought-after happiness.  If one makes happiness the starting point, it is more enduring as one acts and creates from it.

Certainly there is discipline involved in creating happiness at the beginning of the process.  It lies in psychological and spiritual practices that allow us to release, relax, and accept life on its own terms.  There are many ways to do this once one has the mindset that being is the highest priority.  Everything from a walk to decompress, journaling, or a talk with a friend, to practices of looking on the bright side, stopping negative thoughts, and being grateful, to prayer, meditation, and yoga are things that cultivate a higher state of being.

You know when you are in this state.  You are either calm or centered on the one hand, or excited, joyful or feeling “tapped into” life on the other.  From this place, you can better decide on the doing and the having than putting these other things first.

This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month wishing you great being before you start doing or having.

On the one hand, changing to meet one’s partner’s wants and needs can represent growth.  In fact, being in a relationship offers a unique opportunity to learn where one needs to change.  This involves “stretching” beyond one’s comfort zone and facilitates growth.

On the other hand, some people find themselves in relationships in which they are constantly trying to please their partners.  They try this way and that to accommodate the other person.  Changing oneself in this fashion may not represent growth but rather losing oneself in the relationship.

So in any given instance when we change ourselves to accommodate our partners, which is it?  Is it a “stretch” or is it losing ourselves in the interest of the other?

There is no silver bullet to tell the difference between the two types of change.  It can take reflection on oneself, experience over time, and possibly even talking to a counselor to figure out what one is doing.  Still, I can give you some guidelines to help.

First, we can tell the difference between a “stretch” and losing ourselves to the other by how we feel after we have done an action that does not come easily in order to support our partners:

• Do you feel accomplished, proud, calm, and/or happy, even if it took some effort, for having tried the new behavior that supports your partner, or
• Do you feel stressed, fearful, exhausted, depressed, angry, and/or resentful that you once again let the other person’s wants or needs supercede your own?

If one has the first set of feelings, the stretch, even if difficult, probably was in the interest of your growth and facilitates the relationship.  If one has some of the second type of feelings, one probably has failed to set proper limits and denied oneself yet again in an attempt to please the other or make the relationship work.

A second guideline for whether the change is a “stretch” or is about losing ourselves to the other involves the other person’s response.

• Does the other person respond with less reactivity, possibly appreciation, or even engage in new behavior him- or herself, or
• Does the other person continue in their old behaviors, whether they are demanding, withdrawing, erratic, or addictive?

If the other’s response involves the first set of actions, then your “stretch” has increased the other’s willingness to be vulnerable as well.  If the other person continues in old behaviors even after you have changed yours, especially if you have done so repeatedly, then you may be feeding into their behaviors and giving up yourself as well.

So, for example, Janice found herself in her first marriage trying to change how she communicated with her husband to get some emotional response from him.  He tended to be “even-keel” all the time.  She also tried to please him, because he tended to be controlling, especially with money.  After years of trying, she realized she was giving herself up too much and exited the marriage.  In a new relationship several years later, she found it difficult to set limits with her boyfriend.  However, when she made the stretch to do so and told him he could only come over a couple of times during the week because she got tired after working all day, he understood and respected her boundary.  He appreciated the opportunity to support Janice and checked with her more carefully about when it was okay to come over.

So which is it for you in your relationship, whether past or present?  When you look at changing yourself, is it a “stretch” or is it giving yourself away?  It can be difficult to discern between the two, because we only look at the situation with our own eyes.  Still, it is worth the look.

This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month wishing you the ability to “stretch” in your relationships without giving yourself away.

They married a year and a half later.  Several years after that, Danielle was wondering why Mark did not communicate with her.  It had been a while since he had even told her he loved her.  Mark was tired of her talking “all the time,” and he often thought she was silly in how she looked at things.  They got in arguments over how the house was kept.  Mark liked things neat, but Danielle complained that she didn’t have time to keep things to Mark’s “immaculate” standards.

What happens between the initial infatuation we have and the rejection of our partner down the road?  Danielle and Mark’s story is all too common.  It may be more or less extreme than what you have experienced, but it represents the process of our chosen mate going from the “perfect” lover to the person who would be better if they were just different in this or that way.

There are two stages in a relationship that are important to recognize if we are to be happy with our partners in the long run.  In fact, it may be important to recognize them if in some cases the relationship is to survive at all.

We all recognize the first stage of a relationship, romantic love.  In this stage, the other person can almost do no wrong.  We think of him or her as perfect.  Often in this stage, we also notice all the similarities we have with the other, whether it is taste in activities, behaviors, politics, experiences, sense of humor, music, or whatever.  In fact, these two traits characterize this first stage—perfection and sameness.

It is almost as if two personalities could merge and be happy in doing so.  For this reason, this stage is called symbiosis.  There is even research showing that the brain chemistry of this stage supports attraction to the other person in obsessive ways.

With time, however, we notice things we do not like in the other—imperfections or incompatibilities that are significant.  We find out that the other person is different than we are in ways that bother us.  We may have known about some of these differences before but overlooked them through romantic eyes.  Or we may discover differences that we didn’t know about before.  Either way, the differences matter.

This stage is called differentiation, because if we can allow the other person to be different, the relationship can survive and be harmonious.  The problem arises if we do not allow differentiation.  If we try to remain symbiotic by expecting our partner to be what we want them to be and the same as we are, trouble arises.

An important lesson when the romance has faded and conflict arises is to understand that your partner is different than you.  Many times people will say, “Well, I would do it this way.  Why doesn’t he?” or “I think of it this way.  Why doesn’t she?”  The simple answer is, the other person is different.  Allowing the other person to be different can be a huge step to resolving conflict.

Research also shows that if we allow differentiation to occur, certain brain processes support long-term attachment.  Feelings of calm, security, social ease, and emotional bonding are possible in “companionate love.”  A key here is to accept the differences in the other while being able to assert one’s own essential character.

This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, inviting you to accept your partner as different than you and not fall out of love.

What we do not have often makes us believe things about ourselves that really make us feel bad.  For example, not having a job can make us question our value or whether we are good enough.  Having troubles in our relationship or losing someone we love can make us believe we are unlovable or all alone.  Not being able to lose weight, have the appearance we want, or maintain good health can make us feel ugly or rejected by others.  Having a small business struggle or getting rejections from schools, publishers, or prospective clients can make us believe we are failures.  We ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

Whether the negative belief is “not good enough,” “unlovable,” “failure,” or any of the rest of them, we have the proof right in front of us:  no job, no relationship, or no healthy, trim body; not much money coming in, no clients in sufficient number, or no acceptances of our submissions.  It is all pretty apparent—that if we were good enough, lovable, or sufficient that things would be better.

Fortunately, there is a way out of this negativity about ourselves over things that we do not have.  The first step is to realize that we are attributing who we are to outward circumstances.  This is false attribution.  Who we fundamentally are has nothing to do with our outward circumstances.  Whether we have money, own a shiny car, are in a relationship, are selling our product hand over fist, or have a model’s or athlete’s body has nothing to do with our intrinsic worth as a human being.

We are valuable just in who we are and the qualities that we do possess.

In fact, our outward circumstances may be a wake up call for us to realize who we really are.  Difficult external circumstances will scream at us at times just so we can decide whether they dictate who we are or whether we are really more than the circumstances.

Therein lies the reason to be grateful for what’s “missing” in our lives.  It gives us the chance to say no to negative ideas about ourselves and realize we are good enough just as we are—born that way and ever to be so—no matter what comes or does not come to us in life.

This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching.  Until next month, I wish you esteem for yourself, no matter what difficulties you are encountering in your life.