With Valentine’s Day coming up, I’m going to talk to those of you who are seeking an intimate relationship but are not in one now. I am going to give you three keys to finding the right relationship for you.
The first is growing more whole in yourself. We all know by now that expecting another person to complete us is not a good way to form a relationship. Two whole people make the possibilities for a good relationship real. So personal work to increase your self-esteem is important.
One way to do this is to look at patterns in relationships that you may have repeated. Is there a certain type of partner that you have picked in the past? Is it someone one who is extraverted, introverted, independent, needy, witty, serious, moody, steady, responsible, irresponsible, impulsive, deliberate, aggressive, passive, easy-going, reserved, or some other characteristic? If so, you are probably picking someone who has traits that you fear expressing yourself. Look at this and you can develop an underdeveloped side of yourself. As you do so, you will express more of yourself, be more whole, and not have to pick another to complete yourself.
Another way to look at this is to consider whether you pick people who fit your needs that do not serve you in the long run. This happens, for instance, when a caretaker picks an addict or a pleaser picks someone who does not respect others’ boundaries. In cases like this, your growth involves letting go of unhealthy needs and instead developing ways of being that you currently may fear expressing. And don’t be afraid next time to pick someone who doesn’t fit your pattern.
More generally, building self-esteem is a lifelong process of finding the ways you do not feel good about yourself and releasing the unfounded ideas you have about yourself. Self-help books, therapy or coaching, experiential trainings, self-help groups, feeling the fear and doing it anyway—any and all these can help.
The second key is to be out there trying. You cannot be sitting at home hoping the right person will come along. Meeting new people and that frightening idea to many of us, dating, are important. And it is not so much that you may find the person through purposely meeting or dating new people, although you might. Just as importantly, you will be ready when a good potential partner shows up, which can happen in the most unexpected ways and places. If you have been practicing by meeting new people, you’re more likely to ask to see the person again when the “right” person shows up, or say “yes” if they ask you.
The third key is to give a promising person some time to see what they are really like. We all have a tendency to size up another person very quickly. In this day of fast decision-making, we have a tendency to form ideas and make decisions about another person that can be unfair to who they really are. First impressions are not always accurate.
We can especially have this tendency of judging too quickly if we have had trouble in forming intimate relationships before. We may look for ways to eliminate the other person as a possibility. It can pay to give the other person some time to reveal their inner world and find if it matches yours. Of course, you don’t need to put up with gross incompatibilities or unacceptable behaviors just so you can come to know the other person. But if there is some promise, give it some time.
So here again are the three tips to finding the relationship that is right for you:
- Build your self-esteem
- Be our there trying
- Give a promising person some time to see what he or she is really like
This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Coaching and Counseling. Until next month, may you be inspired to seek the person right for you.
