Posts Tagged ‘releasing’

Things Will Work Out

Saturday, May 4th, 2013

In stressful times, it can be helpful to think that things will work out.  There are two sides, however, to believing that things will work out—a beneficial aspect and a pitfall I hope to help you avoid.

The helpful side of believing that things will work out comes from realizing that we often worry about things that will not matter in the long run.  If you worry about some everyday thing, thinking “things will work out” can be calming.  I have used this idea many times when I’m anxious about something—money, taking a test, or meeting someone new.  “Things will work out” helps me not to sweat the issue or the encounter and move forward with greater ease.

If we’re anxious about something, we can consider whether it will matter to us in five or ten years.  The answer will be “no” 99% of the time, I would say.  Another way to think of this is to imagine yourself looking down on the earth from 100,00 feet or a thousand miles or whatever distance makes you and your concern look very small.  Then ask, is it really such a big deal?  From such a vantage point, it probably is not.  You don’t have to stress so much about it.

The thought “things will work out” can also help when events occur that we don’t want.  Not getting that job, losing a relationship, or coming up short in a major competition can be disappointing.  But if we believe that things will work out, it can ease the pain.

Even major setbacks, such as a major disease or a heart attack, can seem bad, but in the long run, a person may appreciate aspects of their lives or learn something that he or she would not otherwise have gained.  In this sense, after the initial crisis, one can come to believe that things work out.

In fact, people’s experiences of major catastrophes, such as injuries in wars, major trauma of an assault or abuse, or untimely death, depends on their attitudes.  If they can draw meaning or appreciation for life from the horrible circumstances, then one can say that things worked out in some sense.

There is one way, however, in which appealing to “things will work out” can be dangerous.  If I use this phrase to avoid staying on point or to stall on action on things that are priorities in my life, I hurt myself.  Pink Floyd’s lyric tells us what can happen.  Procrastinate, depend on things working out, “and then one day you find ten years have got behind you.”

So, if you let fear or laziness dominate, if you use “things will work out” as an excuse to avoid action, mediocrity and an unfulfilled life can result.  “Things will work out” can become synonymous with just getting by.  If just getting by is enough for you, then just keep thinking things will work out, and just getting by is what you will get.

So positive thinking is helpful—“things will work out”—but action towards one’s goals is also important.

This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, urging you to think, “things will work out” in trying times, but also calling on you to take action toward your goals rather than just depending on things working out.

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Regrets—Gnats in the Ointment of Life

Friday, March 9th, 2012

Regrets are like the gnats in the ointment of life.  They disturb the smoothness of how we experience our lives.  Most of us have regrets by the time we have lived a few years.  You may have regrets such as ones I have experienced personally or with clients:

  • For working too hard and not paying enough attention to loved ones
  • For not applying effort earlier in life and not living up to one’s potential
  • For not communicating well and losing connection in a relationship
  • For not spending time to form friendships and ending up lonely
  • For taking care of others too much and losing one’s own identity
  • For repeating self-defeating behaviors and getting off track from what one wants
  • For ________________ (you fill in the blank)

To regret means to look back and think we would be better off if we had done things differently.  However, this does not help us with where we are now.  How do we deal with regrets and prevent them from blocking how we feel about our lives?  There are several things we can realize to become more comfortable with things we have or have not done in the past.

The paradox of imbalance. The paradox of imbalance is that no matter what you did, you probably will wish one day that you had done the opposite.  For instance, if you worked hard and de-emphasized relationships with people, you later may wish you had worked less and did more things with people.  Conversely, if you emphasized people and having a good time, you later may wish you had applied yourself more and accomplished things.

The way out of this paradox is to use balance in your life.  However, when we are young, balance is not something we are particularly good at.  Because of the paradox of imbalance, most of us have some regret about how we acted earlier in life.  Knowing that all people generally overdo one behavior or another can help you see that you are normal.  It is senseless to blame yourself for a behavior you may have overdone.

Change in values. Next, recognize that your values change throughout your life.  People do not hold the same values in their teens and 20s as they do in their 30s, or in their 30s as they do later.  You may act because of one set of values and later decide other things are more important.  If you regret earlier actions, you may be ignoring that what you did was in alignment with the values you held at the time.  You simply hold different values now.  It is tempting to judge your current values as “better,” but this is unfair to yourself.  You simply held certain values earlier, and you hold different values now.  Just act on the values you have now without regrets.

Self-forgiveness. Finally, to let go of regret, forgive yourself.  Self-forgiveness is about believing that you have done the best you can at any given time in your life.  You have done the best you can with the information you had, the mental and emotional abilities you had, and the circumstances you were in.  You may be able to see ways you could have acted that would have worked out better, but hindsight is always 20-20.

Put another way, self-forgiveness is about not second guessing yourself or thinking you are inadequate or wrong because something did not work out the way you thought it might.  Again, self-forgiveness is remembering that you are always doing the best you can with who you are and the circumstances you are in at the time.

Moving forward. Releasing regret allows you to move forward.  In fact, without regret hindering you, you can use what you learned from your previous actions to create a different future.  You do not want to repeat what you regretted.  You just do not want to remember it with regret.  That’s all.

This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month wishing you fewer regrets and greater clarity toward creating what you want.

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Do You Feel Guilty?

Friday, September 30th, 2011

Do you feel guilty?  All of us have this emotion at some point.  Some of us carry an extra dose from our parents.  Others, often half jokingly, refer to their religion as a source of guilt.  But even those of us not raised by guilt-producing parents or in guilt-engendering religions have this feeling, as it is part of human emotion.

As a therapist and life coach, one thing I do is help people with the detrimental side of emotions.  Guilt is no exception.  Let’s look at what guilt is, where it comes from, its useful and deleterious sides, and how to release it once it has served its usefulness.

What is guilt?  The Random House Dictionary defines it as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some real or imagined offense, crime, etc.”

So guilt comes from believing that one has a responsibility or obligation to be or act a certain way and one does not.  The offense can be against someone else, God, an inanimate object (such as the environment), or even oneself.

Regardless of who or what we offend, guilt comes from us believing that we have violated a standard or moral value.  Where do standards and moral values come from?  Initially, they come from others.  We learn them from others, especially in our childhoods.  However, as we grow, we get to choose what standards and moral values we want to make our own, if we are reflective and do not simply continue to live by what others have told us.

So here is a crucial distinction.  If we feel guilty, are we doing so because of someone else’s standards and morals, or because of our own?  Those with an extra dose of guilt in childhood may well feel guilty because they have not separated themselves from someone else’s values.  Take a close look.  Is this what happens to you?

Once you know your own standards and values, however, you may still feel guilty at times.  If this guilt arises because you are not living by your own values, it may be useful.  In this case, it is serving as a signal that you are out of alignment with your own values.[i]

For example, if you have a value of treating others with respect but you get angry and lash out at a friend or spouse after a hard day’s work, you may feel guilty.  It is not your intention to treat others this way.  You apologize and resolve to hold your tongue the next time you get angry when tired.

So guilt can serve a purpose.  At the same time, guilt is not something that we want to hold onto.  The reason is that underneath guilt is almost invariably a “should” statement:

  • I should control my emotions better
  • I should work harder
  • I should spend more time with my spouse and kids
  • I should exercise more
  • I should eat better
  • I should volunteer more time
  • etc.

As many of you know, running our lives by “shoulds” is not a good idea.  “Shoulds” keep us in obligation and drive our behaviors in automatic, unthinking ways.  Rather than living by “shoulds,” it is better to drop obligation and make clear choices about what we want to do.

So how do we retain the useful part of guilt, the part that signals us when we are out of alignment with our standards or values?  The key is to notice it, decide how we are out of alignment, and then drop the guilt.  Then choose what we want to do to come back into alignment with our standards and values.  There is no need to continue to feel guilty.  It is just a signal.  Notice it, choose how we want to correct our course, and move on.  Release the “should” and choose what we want to do or how we want to be.

This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month, wishing you less guilt and more choice in alignment with your standards and values.

[i] I am indebted to Paul McCandless, MFT, for this point.  His website is www.relateandconnect.com

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Three Ways to Live

Sunday, August 21st, 2011

There are three ways to live in the verbs to have, to do, and to be, and the priorities we put on them.  Let’s play a game of arranging these verbs into triplets and see what we get:

  • Do – Have – Be
  • Have – Do – Be
  • Be – Do – Have

The first ordering I call “the Puritan Ethic.”  The second is “the Madison Avenue Approach.”  And the third represents “the Spiritual Path.”  Let’s look at each ordering to see what I mean.

Do – Have – Be represents the mindset that one has to do something (work) to have something (material things, character, position, power, etc.) so one can be happy.  This mindset is a major impetus in American life.  We are brought up with the idea that work is important.  Why is it so important?  In the Puritan Ethic, the first reason is that work “builds character.”  The second reason is that work is necessary for survival.  So we do work to have character and to survive, and then we can be happy.

Similar arguments apply if the doing is not to attain character and to survive but to gain power, influence, or fame.  We do to have to be.

Have – Do – Be is a somewhat different mindset, also prevalent in America.  Although it is compatible with the Puritan Ethic, it emphasizes having over doing.  This Madison Avenue Approach emphasizes having (cars, big homes, appliances, TVs with hundreds of channels, and so on) so that you can do what you want (play, relax, have personal freedom, engage in exciting activities) so that you can be happy.  Somewhere in Have – Do – Be lies the “American Dream.”  Have a bigger house so you can spread out in spacious surroundings and you will be happy.  Have a sleek, new car to do fast driving around country roads so you can be happy.

Then there is the radically different approach of Be – Do- Have.  I call it “the Spiritual Path” because this way of living underlies many spiritual traditions.  These traditions do not care what you do or what you have.  Rather they emphasize what one is being.

Be – Do – Have says cultivate how you are being first.  In the “right” or desired state of being—whether it is calmness, centeredness, acceptance, joy, or love—decide what to do.  And what you do in this centered state will create things worth having—material things of beauty and precision, harmonious relationships, works of art, or greater knowledge about our world.

There are other good reasons to live by Be – Do – Have as well.  First, one creates at the beginning of the process what the Puritan Ethic and the Madison Avenue Approach seek at the end of their processes—happiness.  If one cultivates acceptance, calmness, centeredness, joy, or love, one is happy before any doing or having.  Happiness is not the end but the beginning of the process.

The second reason is that beginning with doing or having only creates happiness temporarily.  One has to keeping doing or having again and again to produce the sought-after happiness.  If one makes happiness the starting point, it is more enduring as one acts and creates from it.

Certainly there is discipline involved in creating happiness at the beginning of the process.  It lies in psychological and spiritual practices that allow us to release, relax, and accept life on its own terms.  There are many ways to do this once one has the mindset that being is the highest priority.  Everything from a walk to decompress, journaling, or a talk with a friend, to practices of looking on the bright side, stopping negative thoughts, and being grateful, to prayer, meditation, and yoga are things that cultivate a higher state of being.

You know when you are in this state.  You are either calm or centered on the one hand, or excited, joyful or feeling “tapped into” life on the other.  From this place, you can better decide on the doing and the having than putting these other things first.

This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, until next month wishing you great being before you start doing or having.

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