By Glenn Stevenson
The following article appeared in Glenn’s October 2009 newsletter.
HI! This is Glenn Stevenson. This month, I am going to talk to you about relationships. I ask the question, “What is the best way to change your partner?”
Why do I ask this question? Well, after we have been in a relationship for a while, we seem to start wishing our partners were different in some way or other. After that wonderful period at the beginning of a relationship, in which our partners seem perfect, and we seem perfect for them, we start to find things that we don’t like about them. We begin to think, “If they were only ‘such and such’ a way.” Or, “If they would only do ‘such and such,’ things would be so much better.”
We hint and bargain. We tell them, or sometimes don’t tell them and keep wishing. We get upset or just stew silently. We may even manipulate or demand to get them to change. Yet they just keep on being or doing “such and such.”
So what is the best way to get them to be or do what we want?
I’m going to go straight to the answer, and then I’ll talk about it:
The best way to change your partner is to change your mind about how you think they should be or what they should do.
Now on hearing this, some of you may be saying, “Of course. That’s a simple idea that I have heard before.” Yes, the idea is simple. Yet it can be hard to do.
On the other hand, some of you may still be saying, “But if he would just…” or “If she would just do ‘such and such,’ things would straighten out.” You might be right, but the problem is that your partner is an individual, separate human being with his or her own opinions, quirks, and psychological processes. He or she either may not want to or may not be capable of doing “such and such.”
Now I recognize that there are some major issues that can arise in relationships that do not call for you just to change your mind about what is happening—for instance, violence or substance abuse. However, barring major dysfunctions, the irritants, disagreements, and compatibility issues that can grow and lead to schisms are best addressed.
Let me give you an example. I know a man who is what you would call a “dog person.” He has a dog. He grew up with dogs. He was taught to make friends with every wagging-tailed canine he ran into from the time he was three. A few years ago, he met a woman who loves cats. She is so fond of them that she is well known among family and friends as a cat lover. She has three of them. When the man first became involved with the woman, her cat-loving nature was not an issue, because he likes animals. As their relationship developed, however, he ran into a small crisis when he realized that if he were to stay with her, he would be around cats for the rest of his life. And it wasn’t just being around them but the permission the woman gave to her cats to jump on places that a dog would never go that troubled him. So there he was with a woman he had come to love and her inseparable cats. What was he to do? He initially hinted at other ways she might handle her cats, i.e., tried to change her! Then he had a realization. He could choose his attitude toward cats and their habits. He could choose not to like them or be okay with them. The former leads to discontent. The latter leads to ease and what he wanted—a relationship with the woman he had come to love, unencumbered with opinions about cats.
What was the best way to change his girlfriend’s relationship with cats? Inside his own head.
And, lo, if you change your attitude in this way, what do you think might happen inside your partner? If you change your mind, you make it more possible for your partner to be forgiving of things he or she would rather have be different about you.
This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Coaching and Counseling. Until next month, I challenge you to think of what attitude you might change to change the relationship with your partner.
